Monday, March 17, 2014

Week 10 (Final Week)- End of Life
Preparation for Death
        So much about death is intriguing to think about, but can also be a little nerve-wracking.  For the past several months, I have been contemplating on creating a living will. I have yet to start the first sentence.  I still cannot decide on whether or not I would rather be buried or cremated.  All I know is I want to be remembered years to come. I know it may seem silly, but I want what I do on this Earth to make a difference in the world, for others, and in a positive way.  
            Having a medical durable power of attorney, a legal document that appoints a healthcare agent to carry out your end-of-life wishes, is probably a good thing to have.  Maybe I should start there.  I don't think it's important for me right now to choose how I want to be made obsolete, but rather what I would like to happen if I am ill enough to not speak for myself.  At this moment, I would choose my husband.  I put absolute trust in him knowing what I would want. He is very much like me, and is one of the most level-headed people Ive ever met that understands death more than most.  

Monday, March 10, 2014

New cells, old cells

Week 9-Late Life

New cells, old cells

        The many biological theories of aging got me thinking of how our bodies age.  We start out as a bundle of joy with all new, healthy cells.  As we get older, those new cells become old cells, slough off or die out, and produce new ones to accommodate to many changing influences.
            The wear-and-tear theory suggests that as we age, we become less fluid in our movements, and much like a machine, we wear out.  This reminds me of a saying I've heard, "It's not the age; It's the mileage," (that makes us feel the way we do).  
            There is also the free radical cell theory--chemicals produced randomly during cell regeneration can cause malfunctions within a cell and impair its function.  I've always thought the term "free radicals" referred to environmental toxins and chemicals that are introduced into the body.  Perhaps, it does refer to that in a way, but it wasn't clear to me in the text.  
            Then, there is the idea of pre-programmed cell death; this theory suggests that our cells are genetically pre-engineered to self-destruct.  I am not entirely sure about this theory--I think it's reaching too far for the "un-explainable."  Overall, there is an agreement between all scientists, and is obvious to everyone: As we get older, our physical abilities, healing capabilities and mental focus deteriorates.  
            There are many factors that may influence how fast, or how "well", we age: sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.  Sleep, in my opinion, points a big finger in the direction of the poorly aging.  It is said that our bodies heal the most, and cells regenerate, while we are sleeping (or while our bodies are at rest).  Older adults have more difficulty sleeping than young adults (Ancoli-Israel & Alessi, 2005).  Apparently, it takes older adults twice as long to fall asleep, they sleep less through the night, and feel more negative effects the next day.  Disrupting one's circadian rhythm (or sleep-wake cycle) can cause problems in focusing attention and memory.
            I would love to know further on the deeper effects sleep deprivation has on teenagers, and late adults, and how it compares to the average life expectancy.  I am also very interested in the probability that the more someone who believes as certain aspect of their health is poor, the more likely they are to manifest it; further discussing the power of the mind.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Making Marriage Work--Is Separating the Answer?

Week 8-"Special Topic Paper" (posted for public viewing)


Making Marriage Work

                It starts with “butterflies in your tummy,” giddiness and wanting closeness at the beginning of just about every relationship that is mutually felt between two people.  Before children are ever involved in the picture, it’s all about the couple—not much else can dictate the couples’ plans they have together.  We all feel like the feeling of comfort and love will never sway in the years to come…
                I have never met a person who was ever thoroughly explained to what a marriage is really all about; the responsibilities, the sexuality, the conflicts that may arise and the clash of individualities.  Is this because many of our adult, married role-models didn’t know how to survive a marriage well either? 
                Over the centuries, marriage has changed and involved in so many ways.  Generally, the definition of marriage tends to stay consistent and is seen as a mutual or contractual agreement between two (or more) parties that entails interpersonal relationships, and intimacy.  In today’s society, people get married for many reasons: emotional, legal/business reasons, religious, etc.  Still, many people get married for the “wrong reasons.”  Centuries ago, many marriages were arranged between two families and were based off of skills and success each of the families had to offer.  It didn’t matter if the ones to be married were attracted to each other, because it was in the “best interest of the family.”  Many people, even to this day, get married “for the children”; they have adopted the mind-frame that children need both a mother and father figure, whether or not that mother and father get along well.  Are we still carrying some of the old-fashioned thought processes into our new marriages?  According to an observation made from years of practice, Betty B. Paul, ACSW, states, “If bitterly hostile spouses are remaining together ‘for the sake of the children’, I caution them that growing up in a home characterized by chronic acrimony and alienation is psychologically more damaging to children than the trauma of divorce.”  As adults, we lead by example, and our children will follow in our footsteps.
                According to a 2009 study, 46% of marriages in the United States end in divorce (Divorce Census Bureau), and 45% in Europe.  Why is it so difficult to keep a marriage together?  There are many forces that influence a divide between couples, but it seems to be that self-realization is becoming more and more apparent during our current “Age of Enlightenment.”  A cultural movement began in the 17th-18th centuries that encouraged reason and individualism, rather than tradition.  Individualism started to make a big appearance in the 19th century during individual-rights movements.  Someone somewhere, while following along as another cog in a wheel, stopped to think, “Wait!  This doesn’t feel right.  What about what I want?”
                Personal growth is now often the reason for divorcing; people do not seem to agree on many things in life and it causes a divide.  This is due mostly to the fact that we all have different biopsychosocial framework that has shaped us into who we are—from birth to death, we are constantly learning and adapting to the dance of life, and this continuously shapes our thought processes.  This is what is so special about being a human being.  We have such complex minds, and no two people will think exactly alike.
                So, how are we supposed to successful adapt to another’s way of thinking and living, “until death do us part?”  Psychologists seem to agree that there is a trend consistent with the “Seven Year Itch.”  The risk of separation and divorce are very low during the first months of marriage, tensions tend to raise, hit rock-bottom during the 7th year of marriage, and result in an elevated risk of marital separation or divorce (Schoen 1975; Thornton & Rodgers 198; Andersson 1995).  “Those couples that survive the seven year itch adapt to each other and accept their partners as they are,” (Hill Kulu, School of Environmental Studies, ­The Seven Year Itch or Life Long Itch?). 
                Dr. Liberty Kovacs, Ph.D., developed a system to chart the martial relationship as it progresses.  The marriage experience seems to progress in 6 stages, and almost always comes close to an un-doing, while continually trying to accommodate two people who are evolving as individuals.  The first phase, also known as the “Mooning and Spooning Phase,” entails the beginning of the relationship; the partners see each other as perfect and can relate in many identical ways.  The second phase involves the experiences of individual change as disappointment, anxiety and self-doubt—“What’s wrong with me?”  Through the next 3 phases, the partners’ interests seem to split and develop independently, and they have a harder time trying to accommodate their earlier efforts.  “Typically, each try to control the other; it is a classic power struggle with all the accusation they can muster,” says Kovacs.  During the fourth phase, generally around the “seven year-itch”, one of the partners may be feeling the urge to run from the relationship.  Dr. Kovacs feels that a separation at this point is good, but only if both the partners see it as a time to “figure out who I am and what I want.”  Once the couple survives the earlier struggles, they enter phase five: “The promised land of reaching towards intimacy.”  Each of the partners now has a full identity to share.  Finally, in phase six, the couple now realizes they can separate and reconnect without losing that identity.
                Dr. Kovacs is not the only psychologist who firmly believes that marriage is essential for growth and individualization. Dr. Norman Paul and Betty B. Paul, ACSW, both believe that marriage counseling is an important tool to make each spouse an expert in his/herself.  They also agree that an even greater tool, when struggling through the fourth phase of marriage, is a process called “creative separation.”
                There are two general types of separation: It is either a prelude to preparation for a divorce, or it is a means of developing self-knowledge and self-reliance of each partner and is designed to ultimately improve their relationship.  Creative separation is used to assist each partner in gaining self-knowledge and self-reliance; teaching the spouses to think for themselves.  It is thought to be “beneficial for the troubled couple who don’t have lives independent of one another,” (Deciding When Separation is Best, 1983).  This type of separation is not anything new.  In fact, before 1987, in the country of Finland, the partners who had considered divorce had to first live separately one year before their application for divorce was approved.  This was done in hopes that the couple would have time “for themselves” to reflect on what is important to them.
                Now that we are able to view marriage as a process that unfolds in stages, this information aides psychologists in helping the couple become a more successful team, and can also provide some relief for the strife they are experiencing as different individuals trying to work toward a common goal.  It can also give them hope, and an agenda for working out their problems.  In a study of 20 marriages lasting 25 or more years, the couples that were most satisfied with their relationships attributed their longevity to joint problem-solving abilities (The Reinvention of Marriage).  They also praised having fun together (and treasuring it), expressing affection and the communication of loving attitudes.
                It has been proven with physiological measurements of the human body taken during marital conflicts and interaction by Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, that men and women handle conflict in radically different ways.  Men tend to flee, whereas women tend to want to stay and fight.  “Men feel pain differently,” says Gottman.  They get more physiologically aroused—their pulse increases, they sweat more, and they even move more during these conflicts, or even anticipating them!  According to Gottman, “Marital conflict by itself is not destructive for marriage if it also includes positive effects such as humor, positive problem-solving, agreement, assent, empathy and active non-defensive listening.”  Few people really know how to truly listen.  Think about it for a moment: “When you hurry someone along, interrupt someone, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but those of the person you are interrupting as well.  This tendency encourages both parties to speed up their speech and thinking.  This, also, in turn makes both people nervous, irritable and annoyed… How can you really listen to what someone is saying when you are speaking for that person?” (Dr. Richard Carlson, Ph.D., Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff).
                Conflict resolution is a must-have when it comes to partnering.  Good styles of joint problem-solving can be learned (the earlier the better).  Now that psychologists are able to pinpoint where people fail in relationships, we can avoid divorce.  This type of education should be made available in the high school years, when teenagers become more and more serious in their relationships.  One doctor (Dr. Howard Markman, University of Denver, Center for Marital & Family Studies) and his team of colleagues developed a program called PREP (Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program).  This program is aimed at teaching problem-solving skills to soon-to-be-married couples.  Together with knowing, and understanding, the 6 phases of marriage and the PREP education being made readily available to adolescents, we can dramatically reduce the percentage of world-wide marital divorce.

References:
Split Decisions, Newsweek. 23 Jul. 2007: 10. eLibrary. Web. 09 Feb. 2014.
The Reinvention of Marriage, Hara Estroff Marano. Psychology Today.  Jan-Feb 1992 v25 n1 p48(7).
The Seven Year Itch or a Life Long Itch? Hill Kulu, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24493065 (Study Results Pending)
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff, Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
Human Development; A Life-Span View; fifth edition, Kail & Cavanaugh

Deciding When Separation is Best (1983)

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Wedges of Responsibility

Week 8 - Work, Leisure and Midlife

The Wedges of Responsibility

        This week is a perfect prelude to my upcoming "special topic" essay on "Making Marriage Work."  The work that most caught my attention this module was the article Is There Love After Baby?  The article points out the many precautions of parenthood that are told in our society: "It's hard to keep your marriage alive after having a child."  "Child abuse is more apparent in the postpartum stages of depression."
        It almost seems as if these warnings are meant to scare people from having children.  Do we know about these warnings ahead of time and manifest these negative effects?  Or, is the problem that we have no idea what we are getting into before we get married or decide to live with a partner?
       According to recent studies, 40% of children in the United States born to a 2-parent family can expect to live with 1 parent by the time they are 18 years old.  To me, this is a very sad result, and I think it can be prevented by educating young adults on what having a family and marriage really entails.
       Seven years into my marriage, I actually have the opportunity to take a step back and look at my family life objectively--the family I helped create.  While I love my children deeply and unconditionally, I once felt even more love for my husband before we became a family unit.  That was when we didn't have the dividing wedges of responsibility--suddenly, it wasn't about "just us" anymore.  We have a huge responsibility of teaching (4) little humans to become acceptable, happy and successful people; furthermore, we had the burden of financial debts, dividing household chores, and friend/family/work drama on top of a huge responsibility of feeding, nurturing and teaching children that would constantly crowd our minds.
        It is now no surprise as to why my relationship with my husband deteriorated--we had no more energy for each other!  Sure, I heard the warnings of being a parent, but not so much about what it meant to be a partner or a wife.  I look forward to discussing more about this topic in my essay...